What is normal?

My brain MRI shows no evidence of metastasis. Great news!

I am cancer free, no evidence of disease, just like I was a year ago.  Just like I was a year ago?  Back to normal, right?  I said to myself the other day, "I almost feel like myself again." Then I thought, "how can that be?"  I will never be the same as I was a year ago, pre diagnosis.  I am forever changed. I have new physical and mental scars. Some will fade and go away, others will always be visible.  Some may only be noticeable to me.

I have learned I am tougher than I thought I was. I have realized that I have more support from my friends than I could have imagined.  I appreciate that my family is truly amazing.  I know that Kelly will be by my side through anything, and he will carry me when I can't go any further.

My task now is to live my life, at least for the next three months when I have my next PET scan, and not worry about cancer. Never have I been so defined by a single description of myself (cancer patient) and occupied by a single thought (I have cancer) as I have been for the last year.  I guess it is understandable.  I have never engaged in battle with such a powerful force that is threatening to end my life. It is so hard (almost impossible some times) to think that I can stop fighting...at least for now. I'm afraid to put down my armor, I will be so exposed ...and it's been holding me up for what seems like such a long time. What protects you, when held too long, can become a crutch.

Some days are hard, some days are a little better. Wish me luck❤