One thing remains constant....change

It has been 6 weeks since my most recent surgery at UWMC. I would say that I am, physically, 90% healed. I am still dealing and learning to manage the effects of premature surgical menopause and all of the changes, responses and reactions that come with it. I am, of course, also still dealing with cancer, being cancer free and waiting for my cancer to come back. So many reactions/responses can be attributed to multiple issues; cancer, dealing with cancer, fear of recurrence of cancer, hypothyroidism, mild depression, hormone replacement therapy. Add to that the simple stress of everyday life. It is difficult, if not impossible, to compartmentalize. Cancer, still, invades almost all of my thoughts, everyday and every night.  I sometimes feel graced and empowered that I have made it this far. Kelly told me, some time go, that he did not think I would make it to my 40th  birthday. Wow!  Of course he is so happy that I, with a lot of help, could prove him wrong.  I wonder, how many other people are surprised that I'm still here. I sometimes can't decide what I believed was going to happen.  I guess I didn't think that far ahead, especially when things were really tough. You can only choose one direction, and it's out! Other times, I feel so incredibly unlucky to have received my diagnosis of cancer and all that has come and all that is yet to come with it. Somedays, I am so afraid, almost paralyzed with thoughts of recurrence. What would happen then I can only guess. A plan would be dependent on so many factors, all unknown at a time such as this.
Today I had a full body CT scan to check for recurrence.  We will get results on Wednesday evening. To be truthful, this is most nervous that I have ever been before a scan and while waiting for results. At times, I would even say terrified. I have been experiencing low grade nausea for the past week, fatigue, difficulty sleeping and have even lost a little weight. That last  part I would usually like, but it is now making me a bit nervous. All of these symptoms are most likely from stress. That being said, they are still unpleasant and disconcerting. I am trying to, as I always do, enjoy everyday, every event, and every person as much as I can. Sometimes it's easier than others:) Life is sweet and I really have all that I ever wanted and need right here❤