What is normal?

My brain MRI shows no evidence of metastasis. Great news!

I am cancer free, no evidence of disease, just like I was a year ago.  Just like I was a year ago?  Back to normal, right?  I said to myself the other day, "I almost feel like myself again." Then I thought, "how can that be?"  I will never be the same as I was a year ago, pre diagnosis.  I am forever changed. I have new physical and mental scars. Some will fade and go away, others will always be visible.  Some may only be noticeable to me.

I have learned I am tougher than I thought I was. I have realized that I have more support from my friends than I could have imagined.  I appreciate that my family is truly amazing.  I know that Kelly will be by my side through anything, and he will carry me when I can't go any further.

My task now is to live my life, at least for the next three months when I have my next PET scan, and not worry about cancer. Never have I been so defined by a single description of myself (cancer patient) and occupied by a single thought (I have cancer) as I have been for the last year.  I guess it is understandable.  I have never engaged in battle with such a powerful force that is threatening to end my life. It is so hard (almost impossible some times) to think that I can stop fighting...at least for now. I'm afraid to put down my armor, I will be so exposed ...and it's been holding me up for what seems like such a long time. What protects you, when held too long, can become a crutch.

Some days are hard, some days are a little better. Wish me luck❤

Results

Kelly and I met with my oncologist in Bellingham yesterday to review the findings of my CT scan.  We were very relieved to hear that there is no evidence of metastatic disease on the CT scan.  I do have a nodule in my lung, a few cysts on my liver, and a few nodules on my thyroid.  I guess those are all relatively 'normal' and no one (radiologist and oncologist) seems to be concerned. I continue to have some unexplained nausea and dizziness. My oncologist has ordered an MRI of my brain to check for metastasis.  I am having the MRI tomorrow and we will get the results on Monday.  I am feeling very optimistic that the imaging will be unremarkable.
Thanks to all of you for continuing to hold me up and cheer me on.❤

One thing remains constant....change

It has been 6 weeks since my most recent surgery at UWMC. I would say that I am, physically, 90% healed. I am still dealing and learning to manage the effects of premature surgical menopause and all of the changes, responses and reactions that come with it. I am, of course, also still dealing with cancer, being cancer free and waiting for my cancer to come back. So many reactions/responses can be attributed to multiple issues; cancer, dealing with cancer, fear of recurrence of cancer, hypothyroidism, mild depression, hormone replacement therapy. Add to that the simple stress of everyday life. It is difficult, if not impossible, to compartmentalize. Cancer, still, invades almost all of my thoughts, everyday and every night.  I sometimes feel graced and empowered that I have made it this far. Kelly told me, some time go, that he did not think I would make it to my 40th  birthday. Wow!  Of course he is so happy that I, with a lot of help, could prove him wrong.  I wonder, how many other people are surprised that I'm still here. I sometimes can't decide what I believed was going to happen.  I guess I didn't think that far ahead, especially when things were really tough. You can only choose one direction, and it's out! Other times, I feel so incredibly unlucky to have received my diagnosis of cancer and all that has come and all that is yet to come with it. Somedays, I am so afraid, almost paralyzed with thoughts of recurrence. What would happen then I can only guess. A plan would be dependent on so many factors, all unknown at a time such as this.
Today I had a full body CT scan to check for recurrence.  We will get results on Wednesday evening. To be truthful, this is most nervous that I have ever been before a scan and while waiting for results. At times, I would even say terrified. I have been experiencing low grade nausea for the past week, fatigue, difficulty sleeping and have even lost a little weight. That last  part I would usually like, but it is now making me a bit nervous. All of these symptoms are most likely from stress. That being said, they are still unpleasant and disconcerting. I am trying to, as I always do, enjoy everyday, every event, and every person as much as I can. Sometimes it's easier than others:) Life is sweet and I really have all that I ever wanted and need right here❤