Time marches on.....

Today, I am NED. I have no (detectable) evidence of disease. I have no cancer that can be detected by today's medical imaging.  I need to let go of the pain, from believing I would, or will, die from cancer. Those of us affected by melanoma know that you never really say goodbye, completely. It is always lurking in your thoughts. 

It was 3 years ago that I was diagnosed with stage IV melanoma. It was the most painful emotional and physical experience of my life. 

Today I took a walk with my dog, in the sun. Even with a hat on and my skin covered up, I felt I was putting myself in harm's way. I see the sun, and sunny days, as the enemy. I think to myself,  what's wrong with me? I am a vampire. I am someone who loves the dark. BUT, I also felt as if I were visiting a long lost friend. 

The sun and I had had a long, and many times, painful relationship....me laying out in it, feeling the warm rays on my skin. Then after, feeling the sting, chills and pain that would keep me from sleep.  Days and days and years and years of sun. Melanoma changed all that....

I like shady cloud covered days...ones where I feel there are less dangerous UV rays. It feel safe. I am envious, at times, of people who sit out in the sun, enjoying it's warmth, seemingly unaware of its dangers. 

 According to the National Institute of Health "The prognosis for patients with distant metastases is generally poor, with historical 5-year survival rates of less than 10%." Yet, I am here. 

I remember the first nights after my stage IV diagnosis, crying myself to sleep, while Kelly tried to comfort me, this while he was dealing with his own fear and grief. I distinctly remember being terribly distraught that I would not outlive my dog.

I have just recently started believing that I will live to see my 50's and maybe even  retirement, how about 'old age'.

I feel as if I have cheated death, and continue to... for now.        

I know that I could not have arrived at this point without the abundant love and support of all my friends and family... and even strangers.  I am still awestruck by the outpouring of true care and concern I am, and have been, so fortunate to receive. Thank you all so much!

Each day for me is a gift, a celebration, and an opportunity to do something important. Easy to say, difficult to put in to practice. I'm trying, I'll always keep trying....